Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
