I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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