I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
