If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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