i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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