I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
