What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
