I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just gargled with NyQuil
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
