I faked an abortion last night.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They took my balls.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
