i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Randomize
