I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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