she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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