Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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