If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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