I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
