he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
