new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
