Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
