I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
