And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
