I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
two words...techno handjob
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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