And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
