Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
