Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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