I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
