is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
