things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
