He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
