I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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