we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
