I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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