I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
