another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Less talking, more tequila
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
