capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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