ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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