I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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