You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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