Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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