based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize