walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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