Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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