You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
