Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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