I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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