I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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