got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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