Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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