i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
