Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
