i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
