Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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